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WHAT IS GRIEF?
Perhaps this is your first experience of grief, or maybe it has been with you for a long time. Reflecting on grief and how it affects us is a good way to help find our groove.
Grief is the natural response to loss, and is a universal experience that we will all go through at some point in our lives. But it is also very personal, as the circumstances of our loss and how it affects us is different for everyone, and so it can be very isolating. It can also be described as the sense of reaching out to someone who's always been by our side, only to realise again that they are no longer there. Grief can impact our physical wellbeing, our mental health and our behaviour.
We don't just grieve because of a bereavement, people can also experience grief at the end of a relationship, when they lose their job, or perhaps when they move far away from home. However, here at Grieve and Groove we want to focus on the grief that comes with bereavement.
Grief can be frightening as we confront the reality that someone is truly gone, and that we can never see them again. This feeling can be overwhelming and it may feel like your world is falling apart, but it's important to remember that with time you will find you can adjust and adapt to living with loss.
WHAT CANÂ IT FEEL LIKE?
Following the death of someone they know, people often feel numb and in shock, and it can take a long time before they feel anything else and start to process their loss further. This is your body's natural way of protecting you. It is easy to worry that we are 'heartless' or 'unable to feel', but in time, the numbness will eventually fade. Grief can feel like an unbearable, insurmountable sadness or emptiness that can be overwhelming, but it is important to remember that with time, the intensity of those feelings will decrease.
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Grief triggers a wide range of emotions, such as despair, sadness, anger, guilt, regret, anxiety and loneliness. It's easy to get caught in a cycle of guilt and regret: replaying moments we spent with that person and wishing we had said or done something differently, so that they might still be with us. But there are also some more positive feelings that accompany grief, such as relief. For example, after losing someone who had a terminal illness, or was suffering in another way, we can feel relieved that the person we lost is finally free of that pain, and this can be a comforting thought.
HOW DO WE GRIEVE?
Each of us is an individual with different circumstances and experiences, which shape how we grieve. It is important to remind ourselves that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Over time, several theories and models of how people grieve have come about. One example is the Kübler-Ross model, which describes five distinct stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. While these emotional states may seem familiar to many people, not everyone experiences all of them or in any particular order.
Another theory, developed by Dr Lois Tonkin, takes a different approach. In this theory, grief is not a series of stages that we move through, instead we learn to grow around and live with our grief. We carry it with us every day, but in time we find ways to adapt and flourish, which is what Grieve and Groove is all about, although we do not endorse one particular theory over any others.
There are many models and theories of grief, all of which can help us to understand and navigate our journey through it. If you think you would find this helpful, there are plenty of resources online or in books, including those provided by mental health and bereavement charities.
Losing someone we love, or that we were close to, changes our lives forever. And the grief we feel never goes away completely. There are good days, and there are dark days too. Grief comes in waves, and can appear out of the blue. Events in our daily life often spark memories of those we've lost and this is bittersweet. We may have setbacks, but we give ourselves time. Slowly, step by step, we discover how to grow, live, and groove with our grief.
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Grief is such a vast topic, it is impossible to create an accurate and finite description that encompasses all sides and aspects of it. This page is just a starting point for further discussion and exploration.